It turns out that Rep.-Elect George Santos of New York padded his resume some. And locally it was reported last week that Oakwood’s CEO resigned it seems in part because, among other things, he claimed to have a doctorate… from a university that doesn’t award doctorates.
Some lament this new post-fact era of resume writing, but I think it frees us to be creative and to be aspirational and to be our best selves. Maybe not our authentic selves, but the selves we wish to be. Like SAT’s and other objective tests, resumes that are narrowly restricted to actual accomplishments are so limiting. It seems to me that employers shouldn’t take resumes so literally, but rather they should be viewed as measures of a candidate’s imagination. We should reimagine the resume ecosystem.
With this as my guide, I’ve decided to brush off my own curricula vitae. Here goes.
Employment History
Pope. February, 2017 to present. As the spiritual leader of the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics I am responsible for billions of souls that have gone to or will enter a state of eternal communion with God the Father. Not responsible for any pedophile issues that might have occurred under previous administrations.
President of the United States of America. January, 2009 to January, 2017. First Black president. Saved U.S. economy. Reformed health care and provided health insurance to tens of millions of Americans.
Nuclear Physicist. January, 2005 to January, 2009. Invented nuclear fusion. Refinements to my discovery just recently announced.
Astronaut. January 2001 to December, 2004. Following explosion of oxygen tank guided spacecraft through three days of harrowing work-arounds and questions about the integrity of our heat shield only to splash down safely in the Pacific.
Vice President of the United States. January, 1993 to January, 2001. Invented the Internet.
General Secretary of the Soviet Union. January, 1985 to December, 1991. Ended the Cold War.
Night Shift Manager, Willy Street Coop. December, 1982 to December, 1984.
Education
Yale, J.D., 1982.
Harvard, Phd. in History, 1981.
MIT, Phd. in Nuclear Physics, 1980.
Rhodes Scholar, 1979.
Gap Year in Peace Corps, 1978.
Stanford, BA, 1977.
UW Richland Center, Associates Degree, 1976. Dean’s List.
Awards & Recognitions
Nobel Peace Prize, 2021. Lifetime achievement award.
Oscars, 1984, 1992, 2001, 2008, 2012, 2015. Academy Award winner best film, best director, best producer, best original screen play, best adapted screen play, best male actor in a leading role, best female actor in a leading role, best gender fluid actor/actress/they in a leading role, best supporting actor, best lighting director and best key grip. Edith Head Award for most creative costume design.
Pulitzer Prizes, 1990, 1994, 1999, 2019. Literature, poetry, short stories, investigative journalism, dust jacket blurbs, captions, greeting cards.
Hobbies & Extracurricular Activities
Olympic Gold Medals. 1980, 1984, 1988, 1992, 1996, 2000. Hockey team captain, giant slalom, figure skating, decathlon, marathon, gymnastics, synchronized swimming, 100 meter sprint and that thing where you ski and shoot a rifle.
NCAA Basketball Championship Head Coach. 1991, 1992, 2001, 2010, 2015.
NFL Quarterback. Captained my team to 1967 NFL Championship when I snuck across the goal line in bitter cold on the final play of the game.
Metropolitan Opera. January, 1992 to present. Principle tenor and mezzo soprano.
References
Available upon request, though they are all dead or suffering from dementia.
Yellow Stripes & Dead Armadillos 