This week’s quote comes to us from none other than the Pentagon, which in an official statement about Defense Secretary (unless you want to call him War Secretary) Pete Hegseth’s staff busting Gen. Dwight Eisenhower’s globe, said:
“Accidents happen, we are grateful no one was harmed, and the globe is being repaired. It is unsurprising that the Washington Post is once again dedicating time to another inconsequential non-story.”
- Why should we actually be grateful for what happened?
A) Hegseth broke a literal, actual globe. Not like, you know, the planet. A broken globe pales in comparison to nuclear annihilation.
B) Of the approximately 1,000 other things that Hegseth could have messed up that day, this was the least of it.
C) While the accident was unfortunate, it still demonstrates a healthy interest in geography. Hegseth is nothing if not a lifelong learner.
D) It suggests that Hegseth knows who Dwight Eisenhower was.
2. What has Hegseth ordered in terms of consequences for his staff members who literally dropped the ball here?
A) They will be executed on live television at the National Archives on the same day of the week and at the approximate time of their mishap.
B) They will be required to attend four weeks of remedial training at the Mayflower Moving School of Packing and Crating.
C) They must write a 1,000 word essay on “What the Packing and Moving Ethos means to me.”
D) They will be forced to continue working for Pete Hegseth.
3. The part of the globe that was damaged was Antarctica. When informed of that, what was Hegseth’s response?
A) “It should have been Greenland.”
B) “It should have been all the NATO countries.”
C) “I’m so grateful that Moscow wasn’t harmed.”
D) “Let’s just say Biden did it.”
4. The Pentagon may have had a point about the relative importance of this story, but why should they be grateful for it anyway?
A) It distracts from the war with Iran, which is playing to a stalemate, has resulted in a regime which is, if anything, even more hostile to the United States, and has driven oil prices through the roof.
B) It distracts from the Russia-Ukraine war, where Trump’s diesel deal with Putin has bolstered his attacks on Kiev.
C) It distracts from stories about Hegseth’s forcing out of respected, career officers.
D) It distracts from Hegseth’s overall incompetence, arrogance and egomania. No, wait. It’s relevant because it reinforces all of those things. Sorry, my bad.
5. The globe has now reportedly been returned to storage. What did Hegseth order in its place?
A) A PlayStation 5 Pro.
B) A portrait of Field Marshal Rommel.
C) More red, white and blue pocket squares to be kept in a chifferobe once owned by Robert E. Lee.
D) A gold encrusted bust of Donald Trump.
6. When contacted in the afterlife, Eisenhower commented:
A) “Court martial that son of a bitch!”
B) “And I thought Monty was an egomaniac.”
C) “He reminds me a little of Patton, except George slapped a soldier because he wanted to win the war and end it. Hegseth’s the kind of guy who slaps soldiers because he enjoys it.”
D) “407,316 American soldiers under my command died… for this?“
Answers
- The judges will accept all answers except C.
- The most likely answer is D.
- All answers are plausible, but we like C.
- All answers are acceptable.
- We can’t say for sure, but we’re going to go with D.
- Sadly, it’d probably be D.
