Trump Now Accepting All Trophies

Yesterday Venezuelan opposition leader Maria Machado stopped by the White House to drop off her Nobel Peace Prize for Donald Trump. The Nobel people said that the prize was non-transferable. What they didn’t say was what they meant: that they wish they had never given it to a nut like Machado in the first place.

For his part, highly placed YSDA sources report that Trump found the award kind of boring and has sent it off to have Machado’s name replaced with his and a lot more gold — a LOT more gold! — added to it before it finds its place in his VERY CLASSY oval office.

He’ll place it next to his FIFA Peace Prize. Didn’t know a soccer league had a peace prize? Wondering why a soccer league would have a peace prize? These are good questions that can be answered by remembering that the World Cup is being played in North America this year and that Trump could make that happen the easy way or the hard way. And thus the coveted FIFA Peace Prize was born.

Now, there’s no reason for this stop here. The Super Bowl champions traditionally show up at the White House to get congratulated by the president. Our sources indicate that Trump will demand that they bring the Lombardi Trophy and leave it with him, thank you very much. Trump’s been sore at the NFL ever since they wouldn’t let him buy the Buffalo Bills. This will go a long way toward easing tensions. Small price to pay, I think.

Also, Trump fan Brett Favre won the NFL’s Most Valuable Player award three times, so he has one to spare. Rumor has it that he’ll drop it off at the White House next week, though Favre drives a hard bargain, which the President appreciates. So, in exchange for the award, Favre will be paid $10 million not to give speeches. The money will come from Mississippi’s Medicaid payments. Officials there enthusiastically support the plan.

And, of course, there’s no reason to stop with professional football. When the Indiana Hoosiers win their first national title ever they too will visit the White House to pay tribute. They can get their picture taken with the trophy before they hand it over.

Staying with the Big Ten, Trump does not like Minnesota. He really hates Minnesota. And yet Minnesota has Paul Bunyan’s Axe. Trump is demanding that Golden Gophers Coach P.J. Fleck bring it to him — he likes Fleck because he always wears a tie. And along the way he demands that Fleck stop off in Iowa to pick up the Heartland Trophy while he’s at it. Fleck may skip Madison as there are no trophy’s here. One of the great advantages of the Luke Fickell era is that we’ve got the opportunity to dust out the trophy case, repaint the walls, give that window a good cleaning.

Then things get really exciting in April when Trump will travel to Augusta to win the Masters and give new meaning to Donning the green jacket. Afterwords he’ll sit down in Trump (formerly Butler) Cabin for a three hour interview with Jim Nance. “Ya know, Jim, a lot of players have won the Masters. It’s a great honor to win the Masters. Now I’m in a category with the great Ben Hogan and Arnold Palmer. Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods. Tiger. Everybody loves Tiger Woods. Love that name. Tiger. But now many people say that I’m better than all of them combined. I don’t know. But everyone around here at Augusta and really all over the world. Even in Saudi Arabia. They’re saying that I’m the best to ever play the game.”

And this just in. The Booker Prize committee has announced that it is changing its criteria from recognizing the author of the best book in the past year to anyone who has read a book in the past year. To qualify, Trump called Paul Ryan to the White House to summarize Atlas Shrugged for him. The director of the committee said the prestigious prize would be FedExed to Trump today.

And that’s it for this week, sports fans. We’re going to try to crank out a Quote & Quiz for tomorrow. Have a good weekend. Give yourself an award.