This week’s quote comes to us from none other then the acting director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Todd Lyons, who said at a recent border security conference in Phoenix that the agency needs:
“To get better at treating this like a business” and suggested the nation’s deportation system could function “like Amazon, trying to get your product delivered in 24 hours. So trying to figure out how to do that with human beings and trying to get them pretty much all over the globe is really something for us.”
- Coming from anybody in the Trump Administration, what’s unusual about that statement?
A) He’s comparing human beings to stuff you might buy on Amazon when you’re bored because the Brewers are down by five runs in the seventh inning.
B) He’s indirectly praising Jeff Bezos, who kicked in $276,000 for Trump’s inaugural celebrations.
C) He’s thinking about deporting people with rights under American law and facing possible persecution at home in terms of any other random box that might get shipped anyplace in the world.
D) He’s acknowledging, however unintentionally, that deportees are human beings.
2. If we accept Lyons’ logic, what sorts of tricky problems will ICE have to navigate?
A) Should they wait until they’ve got 100 people so they get the free shipping?
B) Do they just go with the standard shipping or upgrade to get them out of the country before another court tells them they need to slow down?
C) Do they ship people now or wait for a better deal on Prime Day?
D) While they’re there, should they pick up some materials for the border wall?
3. This is such a great idea that the Trump Administration might try which of these add-ons?
A) Ship people out of the country in Teslas to help with Elon’s sagging sales.
B) Slap a 100% tariff on any deportees sent to the U.S. from China.
C) Require all deportees to have an X and Facebook account before being shipped home.
D) Just deport everybody at Harvard, no questions asked.
4. Lyons’ previous job was:
A) Director of Logistics for Amazon.
B) Midwest Regional Director for UPS.
C) Director of ICE’s Boston office.
D) Warden at the notorious CECOT prison in El Salvador.
5. About how many people are estimated to be in the country illegally?
A) 5 million.
B) 11 million.
C) 22 million.
D) 32 million.
6. How many people are currently in ICE detention, and therefore theoretically ready to ship?
A) 50,000.
B) 75,000.
C) 100,000.
D) More than a million.
7. Who has had a similar point of view when facing the logistical challenges in shipping human beings?
A) Dwight Eisenhower.
B) Ulysses S. Grant.
C) Moses.
D) Adolf Eichmann.
Answers
1: D
2: All answers are plausible.
3: Don’t put any of this stuff past these guys.
4: C
5: B
6: A
7: D
Yellow Stripes & Dead Armadillos 
Better to continue with the Maribeth Witzel school of ICE and just lose track of over half a million children. Eggs!
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Eggs?
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Ode to Debbie.
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Seriously though most of the government would provide more value to citizens if it was run more like a business. I empathize “more like”. It’s a balance. You don’t want to turn it into a piece of crap company like UnitedHealthcare. But you also should not be routinely losing track of billions of dollars.
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Government should NOT be run like a business. Governments are for the people. Businesses are for profit. That’s one reason hiring businessmen is such a bad idea. In fact, the business man in charge right now, you know, the one that bankrupted was it 7 casinos? And grifted a bunch of people out of money with his university (as just a few examples), is actually steering the US in the same direction. But, eggs!
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