A Panic Weather Update

It’s a Panic Weather Alert Day, people!

You know what that means! Run for your lives! Or don’t! Really, you might as well just roll yourself into a little ball in a corner of your bed and whimper! Because this is the STORM OF THE CENTURY! Now, let’s turn to chief Panic Meteorologist Beau Bentley. Beau!

Well, John, we’re expecting four inches of snow!

Four inches doesn’t sound like a lot, Beau!

No, it doesn’t sound like a lot, but it’s the wind, John! The wind is going to take that snow and drive it into your cheeks like a sand blaster! Your skin will be ripped to shreds, exposing raw flesh to be picked at like buzzards feeding on a deer carcass on I-94!

Sounds pretty bad, Beau! Let’s turn now to Kelly Jones standing on an overpass on the Beltline. Kelly!

Well, John, you can see that the traffic behind me is flowing easily and at a normal pace! But don’t let that fool you! In moments dozens of fiery crashes will take place! I’ll be here all day and night, so when one happens we’ll break in to your favorite programming to bring you the carnage live! As it happens! In real time!

Thanks, Kelly! And just a safety warning to you motorists! If you’re getting on the road today be sure to fill your trunk with sand, bring matches, a lighter, several flashlights and extra batteries, blankets, food and water for a week and, of course, make sure you have the Panic Weather App on your phone! We’ll be sending you Panic Alerts! all day!

Now let’s turn to UW meteorology professor Jack Traver! Professor Traver, this has been called the STORM OF THE CENTURY!

Yeah, well, I don’t know. I mean it’s winter in the Midwest, ya know.

So, you’re saying it is the WORST STORM YOU’VE WITNESSED IN YOUR LONG CAREER!

Well, no, I wouldn’t say that. I mean, the combination of falling temps and wind will produce some pretty serious wind chills, but nothing we haven’t experienced before.

Disaster! How many people do you predict will die?!

Die? I don’t think anybody has to die. Just stay in if you can and if you have to go out make sure your skin is covered and you dress for it. Every Wisconsinite knows what to do.

Sage advice, professor! And yet countless people will freeze to death on the streets while others will perish in fiery crashes on highways all over the state! And we’ll be here to bring you all of that tragedy right here on your home for Panic Weather! Wait, Beau is signaling me for a special announcement! Beau!

John, our Panic Weather Team has just upgraded this to an Armageddon Alert Day! All hope is lost now! Though snow totals are now expected to be in the two to four inch range.