The Q&Q For 5/3/25

This week we’re going to do something a little different for the Quote and Quiz. Instead of providing you with a quote and questions related to it, we’re going to ask you to speculate on what was being said at one moment in time.

Here’s the moment:

Only one question this week. What might have been overheard in this group?

I) Some of the guys are going out for pizza and bowling later. Want to join us?

II) I got Parolin at five-to-one. You in?

III) Let’s make sure we stretch this thing out as long as we can. I really don’t want to go back to Phoenix. You see the temperature there the other day?

IV) Oy, I’m so grateful for the robes. I’ve put on 25 pounds since the last conclave.

V) Look, I’m committed to Zuppi through the third ballot. Keep this to yourself and the Holy Spirit, but if you’re still standing then, I’ll move over to your column in the fourth round.

VI) I told Dolan I’d vote for him — and then I paused and said ‘when we ordain women!’ That got him! He was on the floor.

VII) I wish this was happening in July. I hear the Vatican church festival is insane.

VIII) You tried those new THC communion wafers yet? I heard they’re boosting attendance at Mass by something like 50%.

IX) A church where I’m from in California, they revived the old “smokers” — if you catch my meaning. A hundred bucks a pop. They put on a new gym last year. They’re calling it “St. Cheech’s”. I call it St. Cha-Ching!

X) Ya know, Muslim-schmuslim, Protestant-schmotestant. Nobody’s got a show like this!

XI) I heard they’ve got special Conclave rates at the Vatican golf course.

XII) Robert! You old dog! I’ve been hearing you’ve been needing a whole lot of absolution these days!

XIII) My God, I’m so relieved that Francis kicked when he did. I turn 80 next month. Didn’t want to age out of this one.

XIV) Look, Giovanni, I know you’re uncommitted and I know you’re a busy man. But I’m going to give you the name of a very good tailor here in Rome. It’ll be worth your time to get fitted for Secretary of State robes. Tell Mario there that I sent you. You may need to look good if I’m elected. You understand what I’m saying, Gio?

XV) Don’t get me wrong. May he rest in peace and I’m all for sainthood and all that crap, but were you getting a little tired of the “oh, I’m so humble” schtick”? If I heard once more about his freaking favorite gelato shop I was going to throw up.

XVI) Hey, we’re in Rome! It’s a conclave! We’re gonna party like it’s 999!

XVII) And then the kid says, ‘and He rolled back the stone and He came out of the tomb. And if He sees his shadow we’ll have six more weeks of winter!’ God, I love that joke!

XVIII) You saw “Conclave,” right? Tagle’s walking around like he’s Stanley Tucci. Next thing you know he’ll have a cookbook.

XIX) So I go to the special Cardinals Only ATM here at the Vatican, you know, to avoid the lines, and I try to pull out 100 Euro, but it spits out 200 Euro. I’m not complaining and I’m not going to upset any apple carts, but I thought we fixed that sort of thing, no?

XX) And he starts to quote Shakespeare. “Get thee to a nunnery,” he says. And so I say, “I would but there aren’t any convently located.” Get it? Convently?

XXI) Ecu-meni-calism? Been there. Done that.

XXII) Look, Luis, this is what I’m saying. We put in Sierra now, The guy’s what, 80? And I hear he’s got a bad ticker. So he’s got maybe five years before “sainthood.” Okay, seven years, max. So, then you’re only 74. Practically still a kid. I’m just saying bide your time.

XXIII) Adtende tibi tergum.

XXIV) How’d that whole alter boy thing work out for you? I see you’re still here!

XXV) We should get together like this more often.

Answers

All answers are plausible, but if you laughed at VI, XII, XV, XVII, XIX, XXIV or XXV, you’re going straight to hell.

Extra credit: name the reference in XXI.