The Q&Q For 3/29/24

This week’s quote comes to us from devout Christian Donald Trump who said this week:

“All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I have many. It’s my favorite book. We must make America pray again.”

1. Trump is selling “God Bless the USA Bibles” for:

A) Four easy payments of $19.99!

B) A $120 value! But now for a limited time you can own this PERFECT BIBLE for only $29.99! (Plus shipping, handling and legal fees bringing the total to $250.)

C) $59.99.

D) $99.99, AND if you act now you get the set of six Presidential Steak Knives at no extra charge! Call now! Operators are standing by!

2. If the Bible is Trump’s favorite book, what is his second favorite book?

A) The Koran.

B) The Bhagavad Vita.

C) The Art of the Deal.

D) He’s read a book?

3. The Trump Bible includes other documents. Which of these is NOT included?

A) The Constitution.

B) The Declaration of Independence.

C) Hand written lyrics to “God Bless the USA.”

D) Trump’s 2021 “American Carnage” inaugural address.

4. Trump’s attempt to make a buck off the Bible has incurred the wrath of:

A) Evangelical Christian leaders who see it as blasphemy.

B) Democrats who are pushing their own annotated and reimagined, “LGBTQ+ Agnostics, Atheists and Wickens Bible For the Oppressed” with a forward by Rep. Ilhan Omar.

C) HarperCollins, which until now, has been the biggest publisher of Bibles.

D) “Onion” staff writers who resent Trump for producing better parody than they do.

5. When asked about Trump’s scam, God told the New York Times:

A) “Oh for Christ sake! What’s this asshole up to now?”

B) “Ok, yeah, sure. The Bible’s a contradictory mess — and frankly an awful piece of literature — that sometimes seems to endorse some pretty obscene behavior. But where does it say in there that you can get away with being as much of a total jerk as Trump? I mean if Abraham were still around I’d have him toss this guy off a roof.”

C) “I inspired the writing of the Bible, what, two or three millennia ago? Since then I’ve created writers of something like 130 million titles after I nudged Gutenberg into inventing the printing press — and don’t get me started on that one. Can we say “slow learner”? My plan was to go straight into digital. Anyway, why is everybody so hung up on this one book when I’ve given you 130 million to choose from? By the way, have you read “A Gentlemen in Moscow” by Amor Towles? All three members of my book club loved it!”

D) “Nobody understands that old saying, “revenge is a dish best served cold,” better than Me. This guy’s 77 and he eats cheeseburgers every day. We’ll be having a little come to Jesus meeting, Me and him, soon enough.”

6. Because Trump apparently has a Bible in every one of his many rooms in his many mansions it was reasonable for the press to ask him for his favorite passages. Here’s what he said:

A) “‘Deuteronomy 25:11: If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand.’ But of course, when you’re a celebrity you can sieze the woman by her private parts and that would be okay. Nothing in the Trump Bible about that! Is this a great book or what?”

B) “‘Peter 2:18: Slaves, be subject to your masters with all reverence, not only to those who are good and equitable but also to those who are perverse.’ Michael Cohen has sinned against God! May he rot in hell!”

C) “‘Isaiah 13:9: See, the day of the Lord is coming — a cruel day, with wrath and fierce anger. . . . I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty. . . . Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives violated.’ See? My plan for vengeance in my second term is very, very Biblical! Hugely Biblical!”

D) “I wouldn’t want to get into it. Because to me, that’s very personal. The Bible means a lot to me, but I don’t want to get into specifics.”

Answers

1: C

2: D

3: D

4: It should be A, but it’s more likely to be C or D and it’s only a matter of time before we get B.

5: All are correct. God, of course, talks exclusively with the New York Times.

6: He actually said D, but if he were up on his Bible verses he might well have said any of the others.

Well, that’s it for this week. My good friend, the late Madison City Attorney Mike May, always had a Good Friday luncheon for a few old crony lawyer friends of his and me. (One step down from a lawyer, I was a politician). Mike was a former seminarian chased into Unitarianism by a Catholic Church that never seems to pass on an opportunity to be dogmatic when it could be the Church we thought we had signed up for.

Anyway, it’s Easter and also Opening Day. Here’s to hope. Have a nice weekend.