Parents and Pronouns

A few days ago a Waukesha circuit court judge ruled that parents have to give their permission before their kids can change their names or pronouns in school.

Judge Michael Maxwell ruled in favor of the parents of a then 12-year old girl who wanted to be identified as a 12-year old boy. The Kettle Moraine school district had gone along with the student’s request without informing the parents. The parents, aided by the conservative law firm WILL, sued and Maxwell ruled for the parents. He’s ordering the district to use new pronouns for students only with parental consent.

That’s so clearly the right thing that it’s kind of amazing to me that any school officials would see it any other way. The student is a minor. The student is making a major life decision with all kinds of implications. And you really think it’s alright to keep it from the kid’s parents? You are living on which planet, exactly?

There’s only one legitimate argument on the other side. In rare cases a kid might be subject to physical violence at home. (A difficult conversation does not qualify as physical violence.) But if that’s the case then not informing the parents is likely to make things even worse because they’ll find out eventually and they’ll be doubly angry for the subterfuge. More to the point, if a student is in physical danger from their parents that’s a problem that demands an intervention regardless of what might prompt the danger. Certainly, parents should only be contacted with the permission of the student, but the judge is right that until that happens and the parents give their consent they should be referred to by their physical gender, not their gender of choice.

This is not just a conservative view. From a recent Wall Street Journal news story: “The secrecy policies institutionalize a double life for the children,” said Erica Anderson, a clinical psychologist in California who is transgender and has helped hundreds of youth transition. “Schools are required to tell parents if they give them a Tylenol. But they can socially transition your child, and keep it a secret?”

But let’s be consistent. We can’t say that parents should have a say over their kids’ pronouns but not over their medical treatment. A Republican bill in the Wisconsin Legislature would ban gender-affirming treatments for minors, even if that’s what parents want for their children. While I question whether such treatments make sense for a child before puberty, it’s not my call. Like the pronoun issue, it’s up to the parents.

But on all of these issues — pronouns, treatments and athletics — Democrats find themselves crosswise with voters. On the pronoun issue, 75% of Americans say they think parents should need to grant their permission. On the gender-affirming care issue, 56% of Americans support bans for minors. On school athletics, 62% say kids should play on the team of the gender they were assigned at birth.

So, Democrats are getting themselves into dangerous territory when they get out ahead of the public on transgender issues. But that’s the profile the party is taking. California’s Democratic Attorney General Rob Bonta is actually suing a school district for requiring parental consent for pronoun changes.

For the record, I would be against bills requiring use of pronouns corresponding to birth gender and banning gender-affirming treatment because I think those decisions should be left to the parents. You can’t say you’re for parental rights and then ban parents from deciding they want their kid to be referred to as the gender of their choice or deciding that gender-affirming treatments are right for their kid. Parental rights are not just for conservative parents. And, as for athletics, I agree that biological boys should stay in their lane, but that should be left up to athletic conferences. It doesn’t rise to the level of legislation. Republicans used to be the party of governing least.

I think I’m where most Americans are on these issues. I don’t want to see anybody discriminated against and I certainly strongly oppose bullying or violence against transgender kids. And I don’t see supporting parental rights as being inconsistent with that.